Hello, I'm sorry
by Kage Kancho
Summary: Memories of joy and depression have swirled into one and the same. Lemon, Character death.


Hello, I'm sorry.

This is a deathfic. I'm sorry, I didn't really like writing it too much, but anyway I did, so review. Flames are accepted.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in here, oh and I did change one word of Evanescence's song Hello (which as said above I don't own), just the gender, sorry about that….

Pairing: Kurama-Yukina

Warnings: Lemon, deathfic, darkfic, character death, character relative insanity.

Today was different, different from the rest; but how couldn't it be, after that act had been committed? How could we go on living if he was gone? His funeral's today, but I can't help but wish he were here to hold my hand. I don't want him to be gone. I love him. I still love him, and I still love my brother, even after all that happened. He didn't mean it, and he's still here for me. He wasn't trying to destroy the only one I loved; still, he managed to succeed.

My hands shake, clasped on my knees, and I feel the black silk of my dress rustle slightly. My hair brushes my back, tied in a braid with a black silk ribbon, and the locket he gave me is cold against my chest, as cold as his cheek, after it happened.

I feel myself spiraling down into the darkness, guided by the comforting voices of my mind, to my memories. I don't want to be here, and they know it. They'll take me away from here. A bell rings, Kazuma calls my name, but all I feel is the cold, comforting dirt pressed against my cheek as I slide off the folding chair and lay, staring at the coffin, unable to move even if I wanted to, but I don't, I don't, I want to be with him.

My vision goes black, replaced by better memories, of a better time.

"I love you," his voice came soft, a gentle, fragile confession, as though he's afraid I'll reject him, that I won't say it back. His emerald eyes look into my crimson, pupils shaking slightly with suppressed emotion.

I shock even myself, leaning forward and lightly touching my lips to his. Emotions run through my veins as he closes his eyes and runs a hand through my hair, deepening the kiss slightly, but not too hard. I lean into him, putting a hand on the back of his neck as my other goes to play with his crimson hair. Love, passion, feelings I've never experienced before shoot through me, as well as a twinge of wonderful anxiety, making me want to giggle, but that feeling is soon whisked away as his tongue flicks against my bottom lip lightly. My lips part, shocked, and his tongue flicks into my mouth, tracing the rim of my lips. Just as his tongue runs down mine, we have to part for air, and we pull back, panting slightly. Tremors of excitement are still running through my shocked body, and I lean my head on his shoulder to calm myself. "I love you too," I say, my voice seeming too fragile, too soft to be heard, but he seems to have heard me, as he pulls me close to him, his arms around me. I feel so small, encased in his shadow, with his arms reaching my shoulders on either side, yet I can't even make mine touch, so I just loop mine under his shoulders and content myself with feeling his back under my palms. I wish I could have dressed up a bit more for today, as I'm just wearing a sea foam green kimono and a forest green obi with baby blue flowers resembling sakura branches embroidered on it, but I just brush it off. I can dress up tomorrow. I breathe in his faint scent of roses and pine sprigs, and it's like I'm in heaven. All I've ever wished for, as I tolerated Kazuma's over-exuberant antics that made me want to slap him across the face, is here in my hands, and I'm in my love's arms. My Kurama's arms. I've loved him ever since he appeared in the window next to my brother at Tarukane's castle. Even then, I knew that those two were special, that I'd always love them. I could never forget my brother, but I gave him time to come to me, so I pretended not to know who he was; it would hurt me too much, he thought, if I knew. Truly, it was comforting knowing that someone was looking out for me, but that didn't beat the wonderful feeling that filled my heart, yesterday, when Hiei finally told me that he was my "long-lost" brother. That feeling competed with the love filling me now, and I would be hard-pressed to tell which was more wonderful.

Kurama's soft fingers tilted my chin up to look at him. Apparently he had removed one arm from around me, but I had been too preoccupied to notice. His emerald eyes almost glowed with some unknown emotion as he neared me so slowly that I almost didn't notice. Closing my eyes, I wrapped my arms around his neck and moved forward slightly, meeting him halfway. I pulled him close, pressing against him, passion filling me as we touched. Quicker this time, his tongue ran against my lips, and again, they fell open. Passion zipped, lightning-quick, down my veins as his tongue entered my mouth. It ran along everywhere he could reach before touching my tongue. I reacted quickly, my tongue jerking against his and almost seeming to fight with it, loving the feelings he gave me. "Yukina," he whispered into my mouth in a passion-filled voice, and I arched against him, wanting to feel all of him. We broke apart for air, but almost immediately I pulled him in again, needing to feel him, to taste him. I squeezed closer as his hand ran down to the small of my back, pressing me close. Seemingly unbidden, I slid closer so that my legs were separated over one of his. I rubbed against his leg, and as though responding to my pleas, his hand moved down to my lower thigh, near my knee, where my kimono had separated to, since I was kneeling over him. His hand slipped upward, not too close, but I tightened and moved closer, pressing my leg against his hand, wanting him to stay there forever, yet wanting, no, needing, more. His hand slipped up and found my center, and I moaned in pleasure, my mouth opening completely. I shivered, but pressed closer. "Please," I whispered into his mouth.

His mouth slid from mine, and I immediately missed the warmth, but gasped happily as he began to kiss at my neck. I arched at a sensitive spot, and he didn't miss it. He stayed, intent on that spot, right above my pulse, kissing and licking it. I slid my hands under his shirt, and he moaned against my neck as I first ran my fevered hands along his smooth chest, paying special attention to his nipples. His teeth brushed against my neck and I shivered, and then stiffened slightly as his fangs slipped into my sensitive skin. There was pain, but it was light and only added to the sensations I was getting from everything else. Just then, as he licked up the blood and the wound healed, leaving what demons call a mating mark, his hand slid into my panties.

His finger pressed at my center, and I arched against it. I moaned in pleasure and buried my head in his hair. His head moved back up from my neck and he kissed me softly, but I immediately deepened the kiss, as he pushed me back against the couch we were on in his apartment. He positioned me on the couch more properly. I feel my panties slide off. I slipped his shirt off his head, and then pulled him to me, running my hands, again, over his soft skin. He uses his free hand to untie my obi and drop it off the bed, leaving my kimono to fall open. He pulls it off me, and then unbuckles my bra. I am pressing close to him, moaning constantly, unable to stop myself, and the passion is filling me so that I feel like I'm almost overflowing. I reach down, as far as I can, and try to pull him by his shoulders back into my reach. He complies, bringing his mouth back to mine. My hands push at the hem of his pants and he kicks them off the couch.

"Please," I moan. He positions himself at my entrance. He looks at me, hesitating, not quite sure if I'm sure that's what I want. "Kurama please," I whisper, my voice laden with half-suppressed passion. "Please, don't torture me any more." That was all the suggestion he needs, and he enters me.

It hurts, because I'm a virgin. I wanted my first to be someone I loved, and he is. It hurts but it's also the best feeling I've ever experienced. My legs wrap around his and pull him closer, as I clutch onto him with my arms, my nails digging into his skin slightly. I scream softly in pleasure laced with pain. His emerald orbs look at me, concerned.

"Are you all right?" he asks, worried.

"Yes," I say, gasping for breath. I move against him, rolling my hips and soaking, drowning in the pleasure it creates. I arch back against the couch and scream as my passion overtakes me and I can't hold it back anymore, passion overflows and he buries himself deep inside me and gives me his seed. We're both exhausted and sweaty. He rolls over, pulling me on top of him, and pulls down the blanket that was supposed to be only for decoration, but has a good use now, and lays it over us as I curl up in his arms. "I love you," I say, closing my eyes while savoring the feel of my cheek on his warm chest, breathing in his sweet, rose and pine scent.

"I love you too." He's quiet for a little while, and I'm not even sure if he's still awake when I whisper, "Thank you," softly into his hair, drifting off to sleep myself.

I spiral deeper, and the voices, my mind loses a hold over me, and I know they'll make me wake soon, but I can't control what I'm going to see. I know that my mind picked the last memory, the best of my remembrances, to comfort me, but now that it's over it wants me to leave, to wake. I can't take that, can't see it again, so I'll stay here, find one to see on my own. I just hope it's not…no, it can't, it won't be…I fall into the memory.

My mind opens on the day, the day exactly three months from that night. Kurama is walking next to me, and I'm linked arm in arm with him, but something feels wrong today. Something feels dark, foreboding. Kurama must've sensed that I was ill at ease, and he looks down to me. "Yukina, are you all right?" he asks, concerned because of my flicking crimson eyes.

"Something feels…wrong, today," I said, looking up at him, and immediately being comforted by his shining emerald orbs.

"We'll be careful," he assures me. "Nothing too bad is going to happen."

"Yes, but…" I smother my fears and fake a smile, rubbing my cheek against his arm. "I love you."

Looking back, I'm glad now that those were my last words to him, the last ones he heard. Of course they weren't the last ones I said, but they were the last ones…that he was conscious…to hear.

I swivel my head just in time to see a flash of silver. I scream, a piercing scream that causes Kurama to turn, but not fast enough to dodge. I try to push him out of the way, even to take the blade myself if necessary, but I'm not fast enough. Crimson blood hangs, almost suspended in midair, before falling and soaking his white uniform. From a slash across his chest, crimson blood blooms as though it were a flower, a sickly, tarnished flower, and spreading death.

"Kurama!" I scream, tears flowing out of my crimson eyes. "Kurama please! Kurama you can't leave me, please!" My healing energy spreads over him but it can't do anything to dead cells. "Kurama I love you, you can't leave me!" His emerald eyes stare blankly at the sky, unblinking. He was dead before he had hit the ground, but that didn't stop me from yelling. He couldn't leave me! I sank down on my knees, crying, and I pressed my cheek against his chest, not caring that the blood was soaking my hair and my baby blue dress. Tears rolled down my cheeks and clinked onto the ground, plinking into the blood that pooled around him. I was found later by Shizuru, who called her brother and the paramedics. When the ambulance arrived, they said he'd been dead for hours, and that he had been cut by a blade. Their words entered my ears but didn't meet my consciousness. I was sealed off from everyone, refusing to let go of his hand, tears rolling down my cheeks and clinking on the ground. I wondered where my brother was, why he wasn't here. Then I saw him, staring at me through regretful crimson eyes, and I knew what had happened. But I didn't blame him. I knew what he had been doing; he thought he was protecting me. I couldn't blame him for that; I would never blame my brother. Nevertheless, my tears started anew, and I saw the sight spiraling away from me.

My eyes snapped open, in reality. My mind had rejected me. It had taken over for me for a little while, but it had warned me and I hadn't listened. Tears flowed nonstop down my cheeks, and I lay still in the crimped white bed that I had awoken in, staring at the white ceiling. My demonic hearing pricked as I heard the doctors discussing what to do with me.

"She's been this way for a week," said one human doctor.

"Who knows how long she may have to stay here."

"Post-traumatic stress normally fades…"

"But depression doesn't always. She may be here forever."

"Oh, I doubt that."

"My son went through this…he was locked up in this very institution for the rest of his life. You just can't tell."

I lay back against the pillows, resigning myself to a life of solitude in this wretched hell, because I would never give up on Kurama. My life wouldn't last that long anyway, not without him.

"Kurama," I whisper, my voice dry, "I'm sorry…I'll be with you soon."

I hear the voices in my head playing a sweet, sorrowful song, and I listen, like always; there's no escaping the voices. There's no escaping them, no escaping anything, so it's not even worth it to try.

_Playground school bell rings again_

_Rain clouds come to play again_

_Has no one told you he's not breathing?_

_Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to_

_Hello_

_If I smile and don't believe_

_Soon I know I'll wake from this dream_

_Don't try to fix me I'm not broken_

_Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide_

_Don't cry _

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping_

_Hello I'm still here_

_All that's left of yesterday…_

And I'm swept away, once again, down into the darkness, the place where I'm safe. I feel a hand clench mine, but pay it no mind; there's no point in living when your only happiness was in the past.


End file.
